Never Say "If I Were You"
By Mark David
Originally published in Arizona Networking News: A Journal for
Healthy Holistic Living
April/May 2000
It's amazing. We've been communicating practically since the day we
were born, and yet communication is still one of the largest
problems in relationships and business. The following is a simple
tip that will help you communicate with friends, family members and
business associates.
So many times we say things, unconsciously, that completely ruin
the effectiveness of our communication skills. For instance, as
soon as you say, "If I were you…," people usually stop listening to
anything that follows that statement. You aren't' them - they know
it and you know it. You don't have the same issues, relationships,
pressures or experiences. This phrase automatically elicits a
negative response.
Instead of risking this reaction, try this approach: simply use
examples that you've seen in other people's lives. You also can use
examples based on your experience, but phrase them in a way that
sounds like you learned or observed the behavior from someone else.
For example, "Tara, I remember this guy that I used to work with
that had the same problem with his teenager. Would you be
interested in knowing how he handled this situation?" This gets the
same point across in a manner that will be accepted and respected.
It also increases the likelihood of your ideas being implemented or
put into action.
The only time it is OK to say "If I were you.." is if someone asks
you, "What would you do if you were me?" When people ask you this,
confirm that they are asking for an example of how you handled a
similar situation and then provide it to them. Be sure to also ask
how they plan to use your experience and knowledge in their current
situation. This gives them control over how they will adapt your
suggestions and makes them feel like an active partner in the
conversation. It also allows them to decide whether they want to
utilize your suggestions.
A real-world business example
Early in her management career, Tracy always used the phrase, "If I
were you…" because she knew she was an outstanding professional in
her field. She felt she could increase results by telling people to
perform their jobs the way she had performed hers. Instead, she
noticed that as she kept giving the team "I" answers, she was
pushing them farther away.
The team members didn't want to be Tracey; they wanted to be
themselves. They would politely listen to Tracy, but rarely
implemented her suggestions. After several months, she pulled one
of her top performers aside and asked him why the team members were
resistant to her ideas. He told her that they were simply tired of
hearing about her success.
She decided she needed to try a different approach. Instead of
sharing stories about how she did things well, she started taking
the time to better understand her team members (who they are
personally, how they want to be communicated with, etc.) She also
taught them to discover solutions on their own using creativity and
innovation, and she helped team members to think on their own. This
gave the team members a stronger sense of achievement and more
control over their results.
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